Instead of introducing definitions (a commonplace in the sciences), I begin by situating the reader with thematic language. Words like “struggle,” “social lives” and “older” present both a character and a problem. Then I turn to “character.” I change the subject of the first two sentences from abstracted categories like “report,” “social health,” and “loneliness” into one consistent character: adults. Firstly, readers usually struggle to track multiple characters in the same paragraph. Secondly, readers at the AARP Foundation will likely care more about adults rather than concepts like social health.
I also carefully turn neutral words into active ones. The original draft says that older adults are dissatisfied with the quantity and quality of their relationships. To make things more compelling I replace “quantity” with what it actually insinuates (“they wither”) and “quality” with “isolated and alone”–words that describe quality. Just like strong characters, strong verbs add active drama and interest.